Mastering Habits - Insights From a Motivational Speaker
Creating and Breaking Habits in Language We Can All Understand
Forming habits is central to personal change, but why do some strategies work for certain people while failing for others? Gretchen Rubin, author and researcher, explores this in depth, debunking the myth of a universal habit-building formula.
Why One-Size-Fits-All Doesn’t Work
Most habit advice follows a predictable pattern: start small, be consistent, use willpower. But as Rubin points out, these strategies don’t work for everyone. People have different tendencies that influence how they respond to expectations—both from themselves and others.
Before diving into habit formation, Rubin shares a powerful reality check: “You worked hard and you deserved it, but others also worked hard and people don’t always get what they deserve.” Success isn’t always fair, but resilience and consistency remain the best strategies for long-term progress.
Are You an Abstainer or a Moderator?
One of the most common challenges in habit formation is resisting temptation. Traditional advice tells us to practice moderation, but this doesn’t work for everyone. Rubin introduces the concept of abstainers and moderators:
- Moderators can handle small indulgences without spiraling into excess. They can have one cookie and stop.
- Abstainers find it easier to cut something out completely. Having “just one” makes resisting the next nearly impossible.
Understanding which category you fall into helps you choose a habit strategy that won’t set you up for failure. If moderation constantly leads to overindulgence, abstaining might be the better approach.
The Four Personality Tendencies
Rubin outlines four key personality types that influence how we form habits:
- Upholders – Meet both external and internal expectations. They thrive on structure and are self-motivated.
- Questioners – Need logical reasons before committing to a habit. They research everything before taking action.
- Obligers – Excel at meeting external expectations but struggle with self-imposed goals. They need accountability to succeed.
- Rebels – Resist both internal and external expectations. They do things their own way and dislike routine.
Most people are either Questioners or Obligers, making it crucial to adopt a habit-forming approach that aligns with their natural tendencies. For example, an Obliger who struggles with fitness might succeed by joining a running group for external accountability.
Why Systems Beat Willpower
Many people fail at forming habits because they rely solely on willpower. Rubin emphasizes the importance of systems—set rules and routines that remove decision fatigue.
For example:
- Instead of debating whether to leave the office early for family time, set a strict rule: Leave by 7 PM every day.
- Instead of deciding daily what to eat, establish a fixed meal routine to eliminate mental effort.
When habits become automatic, they free up mental energy for more important decisions.
Making Habits Work for You
The key takeaway? The best habit-forming strategy depends on who you are. Instead of blindly following popular advice, identify your personality type and design strategies that align with it.
There is no single formula for success—but there is a formula for you.
